nerd life is all I know and all I will ever know.
sigh
(but I secretly love it)
People disappoint. But God is eternal. Jesus is enough.
Struggling to fully understand this..
Things that have been on my mind..
Today, I decided that after my classes ended for the day at 4:45 I would not do any work. None. I would just eat dinner, take a nap, read, watch tv, sit in bed, whatever. No work—no studying, problem sets, essays, grant proposals, lab reports. I stayed cooped up in my room as it became 8pm, then 10pm, and now 11:30pm; all the while I was antsy with all this leisure time…with just time to do nothing and not be consumed by what new deadline was coming up. I was so used to this almost crushing feeling that I’m running out of time. Hm..how sad the daily grind of work can become and how easily I fall into this neverending cycle of deadlines. What is the reason for my work? my diligence? my stress? my packed schedules? Who am I doing this for? Where am I finding my rest amidst this chaos? Hm..things I need to wrestle with and finally confront.
Things that have been on my mind (and that I’ve wanted on my mind to explore further):
1) living out the gospel
2) not only knowing why God allows suffering for myself but being able to explain this to non-Christians
3) predestination
4) joy
5) identifying apathy/indifference in my heart
Good night! $0.88 taco bell crunchwrap supremes here I come!
edit) sad that my title had a typo in it…oh tumblr :(
Rambling
It is 12:30am and what lies between me and my laptop is…my OCHEM PROBLEM SET. Gosh I could ramble and complain and whine about this all day. I have so much frustration with this that I thought, why not vent it out on Tumblr. Why is organic chemistry so difficult…why why why. Honestly speaking, I like it. Just not very good at it. But God has opened my eyes this quarter while studying—He showed me how this is all His creation. The things I learn are not made up mumble jumble created by my professors to torture me slowly (although sometimes I am convinced of this) or even created by mere HUMANS in general, but this is all God’s beautiful creation. From the structures, bonds, functional groups, EVERYTHING—God has created it!! And I realize, what a creative God He is. And it’s crazy that I can study God’s creation from the tiniest reactions. Anyway, as I write this I am encouraged to keep picking at this problem set that is currently bringing my mood down tremendously. Gosh, the nerd in me admits that I wish I could study more and put enough time into really understanding this wealth of information..but there is no time. Who knew I’d want more time to study—nerd to the max!
This post is already super random and weird so I’ll keep going with it. Currently, there are two things that I am thoroughly not fond of:
1. Cold feet (I can do cold hands, cold stomach, cold neck, cold legs, but NOT the feet!! Wow I cringe at the thought of cold feet) ((So on the flip side, I LOVE warm, cozy, socks. I dream about the wonderfulness of putting on fresh socks from the dryer and going to bed with them on. So amazing.))
2. Being tired (I hate it I hate it. Sadly I am realizing that I no longer can take naps at 12am when I have a ton of work to do, or I can’t just get by as a minimalist. If I really want to push myself and really invest myself in areas that I want to pursue, I can’t just sleep all the time. This is a realization that has been making me pretty sad lately. I do not like the lack of sleep that comes with growing up..strange.)
This is all. Goodnight world!
Mediocrity
Hello Tumblr!
This is weird. I haven’t blogged since Xanga in middle school (bab1exparano1d haha! still exists) so this is a very strange yet familiar feeling. Almost refreshing though, to be able to share my thoughts during a very different period of my life. I’ve actually wanted to create a blog for a few months now, before summer even started. Since when did my procrastination turn into months..
Anyway, I write this first entry with..a heavy heart? So much I want to say, but so much I just want to keep for myself. This quarter has been tough. Crazy, hectic, busy, stressful. I went into this quarter wanting to really pour my all into the different roles and positions I have here at Stanford: my role as a student, as a FiCS officer, as a friend, as a daughter. Roles that God has placed me in and roles that I wanted to honor. I did not want to half-heartedly go through the remainder of my time here at Stanford, but instead be intentional with how I spent my limited time. If this meant fewer naps (which I sadly love and am addicted to), longer nights awake/sleep deprivation (which is hard for a grandma like me), less hulu, no more dramas, etc—that was okay. And as I head into Week 6 of the quarter (crazy how time flies), I can honestly say this has been the busiest and most demanding quarter I’ve had so far. It’s now past the midway point of the quarter, and did I give my all in everything I’ve done so far? Did I sacrifice the unnecessary and cut out the “time wasting”? Did I push myself to my fullest even when I was daily running on a mere few hours of sleep? Yes. But as the weeks drag on, a common feeling that sinks my heart is this: mediocrity. Feeling so mediocre. Exerting all I have, but it never being or feeling like it’s enough. So as I look back, I am disappointed. I’m not content. Not fulfilled, not satisfied, confused.
As I type this, I’m starting to see how obvious it is why I’m feeling this way. Where is God in all of this? How easily have I convinced myself that dedicating myself and putting all of what I have into my commitments and roles means that I’m honoring God? I’m losing sight of what this is all for, WHO this is all for. I’m slowly losing the joy that comes from knowing I’m saved, that I’m swimming in God’s grace, that everything I do should be worship. Mediocrity comes from the world; I forget that God created me for a purpose that is greater than anything I can imagine. His plans and desires for me are good and great—anything but mediocre.
Truthfully, this quarter is tough. I’m struggling, and I know I’m struggling both physically and spiritually. But the crazy and amazing thing is, I know God is growing me. And that sustains me. He’s challenging me to find rest in Him when the world seems so demanding, so dark, so hopeless. Cause in the end, He’s good and sovereign and He’s for me. So I rejoice in this. =)
My first post!
