Mediocrity
Hello Tumblr!
This is weird. I haven’t blogged since Xanga in middle school (bab1exparano1d haha! still exists) so this is a very strange yet familiar feeling. Almost refreshing though, to be able to share my thoughts during a very different period of my life. I’ve actually wanted to create a blog for a few months now, before summer even started. Since when did my procrastination turn into months..
Anyway, I write this first entry with..a heavy heart? So much I want to say, but so much I just want to keep for myself. This quarter has been tough. Crazy, hectic, busy, stressful. I went into this quarter wanting to really pour my all into the different roles and positions I have here at Stanford: my role as a student, as a FiCS officer, as a friend, as a daughter. Roles that God has placed me in and roles that I wanted to honor. I did not want to half-heartedly go through the remainder of my time here at Stanford, but instead be intentional with how I spent my limited time. If this meant fewer naps (which I sadly love and am addicted to), longer nights awake/sleep deprivation (which is hard for a grandma like me), less hulu, no more dramas, etc—that was okay. And as I head into Week 6 of the quarter (crazy how time flies), I can honestly say this has been the busiest and most demanding quarter I’ve had so far. It’s now past the midway point of the quarter, and did I give my all in everything I’ve done so far? Did I sacrifice the unnecessary and cut out the “time wasting”? Did I push myself to my fullest even when I was daily running on a mere few hours of sleep? Yes. But as the weeks drag on, a common feeling that sinks my heart is this: mediocrity. Feeling so mediocre. Exerting all I have, but it never being or feeling like it’s enough. So as I look back, I am disappointed. I’m not content. Not fulfilled, not satisfied, confused.
As I type this, I’m starting to see how obvious it is why I’m feeling this way. Where is God in all of this? How easily have I convinced myself that dedicating myself and putting all of what I have into my commitments and roles means that I’m honoring God? I’m losing sight of what this is all for, WHO this is all for. I’m slowly losing the joy that comes from knowing I’m saved, that I’m swimming in God’s grace, that everything I do should be worship. Mediocrity comes from the world; I forget that God created me for a purpose that is greater than anything I can imagine. His plans and desires for me are good and great—anything but mediocre.
Truthfully, this quarter is tough. I’m struggling, and I know I’m struggling both physically and spiritually. But the crazy and amazing thing is, I know God is growing me. And that sustains me. He’s challenging me to find rest in Him when the world seems so demanding, so dark, so hopeless. Cause in the end, He’s good and sovereign and He’s for me. So I rejoice in this. =)
My first post!
